[image description: A distressed looking woman looks over a refrigerator shelf of partly-used and possibly-expired mustards (at least 10 different varieties are visible). Text reads, “Batch 122, Condementia, Small God of Not Cutting the Mustard”]
You can find her in cluttered fridges and crowded pantries, flanked by yesterday’s meatloaf and jars of olives so far past their best-by date that they may as well have the right to vote. Some people assume she must be a god of clutter or hoarding, because of the environments in which she tends to thrive. Others assume she is a god of thrift or poverty, because she never throws anything away. That upside-down ketchup bottle dripping its last particles of paste into the cap? That’s hers. So is that jar of mayonnaise with half a spoonful left clinging to the sides.
All of those people are wrong, as they would know if they spent any time in her company.
She’s a god of indecision. She’s a god of needing the exact right thing at the exact right time if you want to feel joy, a god of precision and obsession. And yes, she’s a god of steak sauce, although that one’s almost beside the point.
She is a neutral god. Her worshippers can be among the happiest in the world, if they know what they want and what to do when they get it; at the same time, they can be among the most miserable if no one helps them find the exact right thing that they long for so completely. She is a god of cravings and coupons, of hunting forever for the perfect solution.
If you pray to her, pray also that you find it, for once Condementia has her schmear on someone’s soul, she very rarely comes completely clean.
Still, it can’t be denied that she’s delicious. Her followers are always hungry, never full, and yet their mouths are always filled with the precise right thing, and they never want for more than she provides.
Artist Lee Moyer (13th Age, Cursed Court) and author Seanan McGuire (Middlegame, Every Heart a Doorway) have joined forces to bring you icons and stories of the small deities who manage our modern world, from the God of Social Distancing to the God of Finding a Parking Space.
Join in each week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for a guide to the many tiny divinities: