Theatrical Thursday

Theatre poster of the week, Wonderful World of Dissocia by Anthony Neilson.


No Shame Theatre post of the week.



Angela – A beautiful and ambitious chat show hostess.

Nigel – Famous rock star, aging but still vital. Very comfortable with his fame.

Cue Card Holder – A man doing a job.

(lights up full)

Angela: To those of you just tuning in, welcome. You’ll recognize our guest – He’s headlining a solo tour while the rest of the boys in the band are in rehab!

I am delighted to welcome the one, the only – Nigel!

(A few bars of Classic Rock are played as Nigel enters. Cue Card Holder stands and shows the “Applause” card briefly and sits back down. Nigel enters to audience applause. Angela gets up to greet him. They both sit down.)

Angela: Welcome. Welcome. Make yourself at home.

Nigel: Hey Angela. Always nice to see you too, love.

Angela: That was an amazing show you put on last night at the Omni. All the old hits… well, not all the old hits of course –There wouldn’t be time for all of them in a 3 hour show. But listening to you sing all those classics got me thinking… You’re sixty years old, is that right?

Nigel: Yeah love, sixty. What’s it to you?

Angela: (a little taken aback) Well… um. I wondered how you had the energy to be whooping it up on stage night after—

Nigel: (interrupting) You should see me after I leave the stage, love.

Angela: …night – energy when most of your contemporaries are resting comfortably in their Florida retirement homes. What keep you going, Nigel?

Nigel: Legacy, Angela. Legacy.

Angela: And what do you feel your legacy is, Nigel? I mean, you’ve been a Rock & Roll God for four decades now, so when you say “legacy” Nigel, just what do you mean?

Nigel: I mean – the reason I got into this game in the first place.

Angela: And why was that, Nigel?

Nigel: (quickly) Crumpet.

Angela: (cluelessly) Crumpet?

Nigel: You know… Cun–   (Stops mid-word. Smiles slyly, looks around.)

What we wanted then – it’s the same thing we want now. It’s just that with age, we look at it a bit, y’know – differently. With more perspective. You know when we was young, we looked at the great Blues guys, cause they got all the chicks. And they were just poor Negroes. I mean we didn’t look too bad by way of contrast. So we thought – well! Yeah!

Angela: Sex?!? That’s it? That’s your legacy?

Nigel: Don’t knock it ‘til you try it, love. (Chuckles and pauses for audience laughter) But seriously, legacy is what you leave the world, am I right? So I asked myself – “Nigel” I says, “what will people remember in a thousand years time? What’s gonna last? What’s gonna go the distance?” (looks pensive) And the answer isn’t my money, not my fame. My music… (looks to the audience and archly raises a brow) … well, I suppose there might be an outside chance at that. But the real answer is genes, Angela — Children.

Angela: (back on track) And you’ve just had your 9th child named… (finds it in notes) Ruby – with the voluptuous young South African… um, (tries to think of nice way to say porn star) “model” Alexandra van Houten. Is that right?

Nigel: Ruby – Yeah. Cute little thing she is too. Mark my words, she’ll be a heartbreaker like her mom. (smiles) But that’s not really my point, Angela.

Angela: No?

Nigel: You ever hear of a chap called Screamin’ Jay Hawkins?

Angela: (stumped, she looks into the audience hopefully) um…

Cue Card Holder: (audible whisper) “I Put a Spell on You!”

Angela: (relieved) Ah – “I Put A Spell On You”. (expectant smile) That guy?

Nigel: (bemused) Yeah, that guy – I caught his act once in California – what a showman! And amazingly successful, genetically speaking.

Angela: What do you mean – ‘genetically successful’?

Nigel : (nodding) Screamin’ Jay Hawkins has 95 kids confirmed and only married once. No telling how many others there are out there… he probably has 300 grandkids by now…

That’s what it’s all about, love. It’s about unlimited numbers of very fertile and very willing young girls; enough money to buy them trinkets and treat the clap; enough prestige so the mothers of your children around the world think they’re doing the world a favor while remaining at a discreet distance; and above all – Above all it’s about the genes. That’s a legacy, love.

Angela: So you’re implying that you have more than 9 children?

Nigel: (disbelieving her naivety) Implyin’? Please… Here’s Screamin’ Jay with a cool hundred kids, and you never even heard of him. Well, you’ve jolly well heard of me! So just imagine how many little Nigels there are out in the world today, love.

Angela: (incredulous) That’s a lot of single mothers, Nigel. Surely someone would notice.

Nigel: Someone in the press you mean? Someone I haven’t done in the press? Someone who don’t want to be me in the press? People see what they want to see. ‘Specially when it comes to sex…

Do you know what the word Cuckold means, love? It’s like the cuckoo bird leavin’ eggs in someone else’s nest. If I told you how many married women I’d had, you wouldn’t believe me. Sometimes the man gets a whiff that the baby isn’t his, and sometimes he knows for a solid fact. But that don’t stop anything. Never has and it never will. Sometimes I find a gold digger like Alexandra, or she finds me. But truth is, she was worth it. Got out of that marriage, got another lovely little girl, and got another great piece of ass into the bargain. And, believe it or not, I’d never done it in the Voortrekker Monument before…

Angela: But surely, you don’t plan on keeping up this… “lifestyle” forever? Not when you’re …85?

Nigel: That’s what you think, love.

It’s the muscle memory that matters, love, not the skin. I figure with clean living and science on my side, I should be good for a 100 – or maybe more – before my time expires. And these days, it’s only beauties for me, love. You get better kids that way. And they’re more fun to look at from the backside too, even if the young one’s need some schoolin’.

Angela: Ahem…(looks at watch) well that about wraps it up for us here on the Angela Darling show. A big thanks to our guest for a very revealing interview!

(Cue Card Holder stands and shows the “Applause” card briefly and sits back down.)

Nigel: (leans in) So beautiful, you wanna shag?

Angela: (coyly) Sure… (she smiles wide and leans in for a kiss) …Dad.




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